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Over time it has become clear that you all want - nay, crave - my bones mots. So I decided to create this advice column, okay? I'll be posting answers to questions posed to me. You can ask a question by sending me an email here. Chloethecat writes: A few years ago I gave birth to three kittens. I loved them with the love of a mother who knows they`ll go away eventually and I`ll be the centre of the universe again. But my humans kept one of them. meaning that my previously undivided attention from my pet humans is...divided. I`m being ignored, yesterday I biffed my son in the ear and my humans were all sympathetic toward *HIM* for no reason. It made no sense. They were totally neglecting me! Please Help me, Molly! Molly says: This is just not right and far too common a situation. And it's wrong. Normally, I'd be all "throw up on their stuff to send a message" but recent events in my life like that led up to a visit with Dr. Torquemada, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So... My feeling is you need to fight fire with fire, okay? If I were you (which I'm not because I'm a dog and stuff? and you are a cat) you need to get him in trouble and stuff - you need to make it look like he is mean/bad news and stuff and you are just misunderstood. How about some kind of a setup? Like, a little while before your humans get home, you, like, stage a disaster in the kitchen, destroy the garbage or something. Then you pick up the other cat and smush him down in it, being careful to get him covered in stuff and you not, and then when your parents get in they yell at that cat and praise you for being the "good" cat. I saw this on TV once and it totally worked. Let me know how it goes.
Kat the,uh,person says: Molly, honey, Canine of Wisdom...I've forgotten how to sleep! I've been working on this one story for so long, I don't remember how to do anything else - I even skipped three meals. How do I get back to normal?
Molly says: This is a VERY SERIOUS situation. Let's deal with this in order of importance. You are missing meals - WTF? You need to either start a campaign so that people MAKE your Mom feed you and stuff or you need to Um, in case you are feeding yourself, you need to just put the food out - like, all your favorite stuff and leave it out all the time in front of you so you can snack while you are doing other stuff. There's no reason not to eat at least 15 meals a day, I say. You just need to keep the food out (Open Bag Policy, you know?). For sleep, you should try sleeping in the best spot in the house - like wherever your Mom sleeps. Like Mom wants to sleep on “her” bed, then that’s where I want to sleep – she can move. Mom wants the couch? Then I take the couch; again, she can move. Why don't you get to be comfortable, right? Let your Mom sleep on the floor if she thinks it's so spiffy. Oh, and once your Mom is on the floor, then you should be sure to make lots of “comfy” noises and stuff. Teach her a lesson. One final note... when I was working on my story, I found that taking a break for a nap or snack was just the thing to get me going again. Oh, and chasing squirrels - that always helps me think. You should try that… it *definitely* helps. Good luck!
Aloysiustheperson says: How would you handle a bossy colleague? I'm being driven crazy by someone who thinks it's their god-given right to offer me unsolicited advice. Please help, Little Molly! Molly says: Well, you are a person and this colleague is a person, right? And since it's a work situation you have to be mature and stuff. Like, you can't just throw down and kick her ass, I'm thinking. So you should just do to her what I do with my Mom. You should just sit calmly and stare at her and say nothing for like, a long time. First she'll think it's cute but then she'll get totally uncomfortable and stuff. You could totally make her cry if you wanted to. The other thing you could do is pretend you don't hear or understand her. 'Cause she seems to be treating you like she thinks she's smarter, right? Just say, Excuse me? And make her repeat it, and then when she explains it, pretend you still don't understand but ask her to clarify again, and stuff? At some point she'll just give up and will wonder why *she's* so dumb. Good luck!
Clinkerthecat says: Sorry I haven't been in touch Molly. I've been sick. The house is like this sick house. I've been throwing up all over the floor, which is not fun. It makes my mom not want to let me out of the house to go play. Molly says: I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. But don't let your Mom use that as an excuse to oppress you by keeping you in the house. House Arrest? WTF? I think that next time you are going to throw up you should throw up on something of hers as a show of your opinion of her oppression. I mean, you were gonna blow anyway, right? Might as well make it worth your while. |